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ambidreamz
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Name: Nebula
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: Los Angeles
Gender: Female
Interests: Music, singing a cappella, salsa and hip hop dance, eating massively, sleeping, playing computer games like a true nerd, thinking and contemplating about life.
Expertise: Being one of the few Nebulas you'll ever meet and hopefully living up to it =D
Industry: Finance
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  strxcmyst
Member Since:
2/17/2003
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| Man, I never get to update anymore these days lol!
Well, new updates - I turned 25 about a week and a half ago. That was fun. It felt a bit anti-climatic given it was the quarter century, but I think it's because I kinda felt 25 a long time ago. My bones are creaking.
A lot of changes are happening in life and I think it's good overall! God is good. All the time. He is really giving me some great opportunities and so much joy. He is also sustaining me more than ever, because it's a difficult time to be strong up against a lot of things that tend to stand in our way.. or oppose us when we are trying to head down the path that He has laid out. I dunno, it's very exciting...and scary at the same time. But He hath not given us a spirit of fear.. but of power, love, and self-control. (2 Timothy 1:7)
I'm so incredibly thankful for the support from friends. At this time, I really need people who are going to look at me, like seriously, and just KNOW that I can do it. That there is no shred of doubt in their mind. That is the kind of support that is necessary, because no matter what happens, I'll still be a winner in their eyes. It just warms my heart. I really did not know there were people out there like that..and I am so thankful for friends like these. Because I put my all into whatever I am doing (that I have passion for) and I don't need any unsure people to have my back.. LOL!
I continue to pray that He will open more doors and close the ones He doesn't want me to go through. I also pray for my mom and just..everything for her! God knows.
Woohoo... amen!
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| Hallelujah. May His name be praised.
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| I like to think of God as the master chess player. The movements of life are the chess pieces and He does one thing, that leads to the next move, and to the next. It's always funny how things happen and why they do. I don't have the best reasons for why things happen nor if I did, would I even know if they were true. That is why I just attribute everything to God. Everything happens for a reason...
Like I thought that it was strange that prior to moving home to LA, I had so many companies down in LA that were contacting me and wanting to interview me - I was in second or third rounds with a few already and it prompted me to move back even more. Then once I got back to LA, all of those companies happened to stop hiring or stop getting back to me entirely and then I jumped straight into another field, another world entirely..and I was happy and refreshed and everything was new. I thought that was strange..and I attributed it to the fact that God knew there had to be things pulling me back to LA first, and once I was there, I knew this wasn't what I wanted to do at all. ..
But that's a strange push and pull in and of itself - the push and pull against working for The Man. Gosh, how that term's been thrown around. I've known it and thought about it since I was a freshman at Cal. Even then I knew I was always more creative than logical, far more about art than numbers. But I must have been raised a great Asian kid because I went the route of numbers.. of dollar signs. The push and pull is still there and a struggle it will be always be, and something that only God can help me overcome. I'm jealous of people who knew when that when they grow up, they wanted to be a stock broker, or a doctor. If it's your passion, then even more reason that no one should judge you for it. The only part of finance that I ever loved was the service aspect, when I got to help people and interact with them, even though helping a millionaire choose stocks may not be anyone's idea of "service." But it lasted me for a while. I always knew though. I always knew. I could always tell by the thirst with which I attack museums, where I hungrily walk from one work of art to the other, trying to absorb the full force of artistic drive as if I wasn't going to see it ever again. It's the force with which I watch movies and even TV, the intensity with which I listen, with full attention, to music, the quiet passion of singing, the force with which I read books. I recently finished reading a book called "The History of Love" by Nicole Krauss. I was reading it and forgot about an appointment I was supposed to be at. I was reading it and my eyes were hurting from fatigue but I couldn't stop. I'm so happy to be able to finally have time to read again. In SF, I felt like I was always running around with my head cut off. Always busy and hurried. But reading is not something to be hurried. It's really amazing, the process of absorbing words. It's hard for me to put a book down. Sigh, I love liberal arts and history. Though, I find science fascinating too because I like knowing how things work. Wikipedia is my best friend. I think it's exhausting having so many interests because I always feel like there's never enough time in the world to learn. Always hungry, always yearning...
I hope that I can have the same force and hunger and use it in what I'm trying to do now. I hope and pray that God will let me. I know it's in me and I know all things are possible through Him who makes it so. I think only He can understand the desires inside each of us....
Understanding. That is an interesting concept. Some people just don't understand. Like that recruiter I met with yesterday. People like her claim to understand what people are looking for in a job, claim to be sweet and patient, but turn around and fool you with their lack of tact and heart. After I answered a few questions for her concerning my experience and what I felt my greatest strengths were, she told me that I needed to tone myself down.. that I needed to fix that part of my personality that was super "arrogant" and over confident. She told me I needed to learn some humility because employers like someone who is more humble and timid. Then she asked me why my GPA wasn't higher. Inside, I was already boiling and I told her that I worked hard for my GPA at Berkeley, especially considering I was involved in so many organizations as a leader. She told me that I needed to change the way that I talked. It was the shock of an unexpected slap and the tears that would spring up simply because of the shock of being completely blindsighted. That's how I felt and that's what essentially happened. I told her that I thought it was horrible that she was attacking my personality and she said that personality was 75% of the hiring process. I didn't need to say what I was thinking because I had nothing to prove. She had no right to make any judgment against me because she didn't know me at all. She did not know my story, my successes and setbacks. She did not know how hard I had worked in my career and how not one of my co workers or managers would ever say the things about me that she had just surmised from 10 minutes of meeting me. Was it my fault that I knew myself very well after all these years and knew my strengths and weaknesses..but that she hadn't asked to hear my weaknesses? Is it my fault I'm fully happy with the person I am and hopefully will become in the future? I didn't have to explain myself. I just sat there, looked at her through my tears, and hoped that she would never forget this day. It was a weird combination of feelings. I felt strong but I could feel my soft heart. I'm glad I have a soft heart though, a hard heart is not good at all. She was incredibly sorry. She felt so bad and she berated herself thinking, maybe it was different for this type of associate position since she normally recruited for admin and receptionist type jobs. I said, no wonder. I told her that it's tough to be a woman in finance, and that you have to be confident and self-assured, and that's the way it has to be, especially in interviews. It's clear that she never worked in finance, ever. But of course, that wasn't the worst part of what she did or what she had assumed, of what she had already done. She told me that this had actually happened in her office before, maybe once or twice, that her words had made others feel this way. I didn't have any more words. She told me she would still submit me. As I left, I hoped she realized that she would never go far if she continued trying to "improve" people upon first meeting them and I hoped that she would never forget those she has hurt. I hope and pray that she will learn from it and that she felt remorse. One of my biggest pains is being misunderstood..
I do not try to misunderstand people. The people I love and care about, I want to know their whole story, the intricacies of their character, their deepest hurts and greatest joys. I am not one to tread lightly on conversation but I'll do it if I have to. Something's always simmering beneath the surface though, of each of us, and I love it when it comes out. But I admit that I do not want to know everyone's story. I love everyone but I don't like everyone. Not sure if that makes sense. I think most people know this. I'm sorry if you are one of those people that I am not particularly warm to or do not feel the desire to get to know. It's not meant to be personal.. it's very black and white to me. I am a quality time person and there is not enough time in the world to spend with my loved ones and kindred spirits. Not to mention, time to help the world, to get involved in charity work, as well as artistic and creative work. Immediately upon meeting someone and chatting for a short conversation or at most a couple of meetings, I can gage whether I connect with him or her on some level. And usually, it's mutual :) Their character shines through their actions as well, which I observe. I think everyone's story is valuable though, just like every single being is precious to God, but unfortunately, I will not be able to hear each story. All I know is that I appreciate it even if I haven't heard it. At least each person knows that God will listen to their story. For those I am focused on and love, and my time is for them. My hope is just that no matter what down the line, they won't forget me.
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| Sorry, sorry for the lack of updates people! A lot has been going on, and yet it's interesting.. it's not as if I'm at a lack for time, but somehow things are still busy and hectic as ever. But in a more.. interesting and freeing way. Glad to be where I am. Still praisin' the Lord for the good (and the challenges too, ack) He brings to life. More updates coming soon!
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| I'm looking for light in the midst of a lot of darkness. Tired. An ounce of hope.
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