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ambidreamz
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Name: Nebula
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: Los Angeles
Gender: Female
Interests: Music, singing a cappella, salsa and hip hop dance, eating massively, sleeping, playing computer games like a true nerd, thinking and contemplating about life.
Expertise: Being one of the few Nebulas you'll ever meet and hopefully living up to it =D
Industry: Finance
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  strxcmyst
Member Since:
2/17/2003
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| I'm looking for light in the midst of a lot of darkness. Tired. An ounce of hope.
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| Past, Present, FutureCurrently, like right now, I'm experiencing some interesting emotions. It's like a flurry of past and future melding together. It's like I'm getting reminded of moments and memories from the past, causing me to feel wistful and melancholy for past days, but also I feel the excitement, the culmination of visions and prophecies, of dreams for the future, which is causing a swelling in my heart that is rather overwhelming. The emotional effect is kind of crazy. I'm not sure what to make of this feeling.
I received an e-mail from an old co-worker today and not sure what it was, but he repeated a phrase in it that he used to always say when we were working together on our awesome team. Haha, it's a simple phrase, but the effect on me had me both laugh and cry. I hearkened back to perhaps a simpler time, when I was in a different place, a different job, with these hilarious people around me. When God had me in a position that although I often hated, it was a job nonetheless and I enjoyed the relationships that I had built and fostered. Then He took me out of it rather abruptly. I read more e-mails and I remember the faces of loves ones, even though friendships may never be the same, and I wish back to certain moments that I shared with each of them and wished those moments would never end. Sometimes I wish I could freeze time like Hiro on Heroes, haha just relishing in that moment. I miss and wish for those moments with friends again, even though I know we will again in the future, we move on from the past, but I never forget the good times..those that are no longer with me, but not lost.
At the same time while reading my other e-mails, I feel excited and drawn to new opportunities, and a lot of things that could change as I continue my life down here in Los Angeles. All I gotta say is what a beautiful city. A city of dreams, so bright. So much opportunity. I understand why people come here to achieve what they had hoped for, it is a place of many spotlights. There's darkness too, but I feel God's presence so incredibly strong here. It fills the room, the atmosphere, it sometimes is subtle but reveals itself in the most interesting of moments. The Holy Spirit speaks to you of His love for you, His will for you, His desires for you, and ultimately so much of His hope for you. What light there is, driving out the darkness at the toughest moments. I pray that His light is shining in the hearts of so many whose hearts are filled with pain and frustration because.. He's just there if you reach out, He never left. I don't know what is come, because I admit that I am fearful because I can feel God's heart swelling up for His will to be done. I ask that He show me so very clearly. That although I feel like I'm in a waiting period, that if it's His will for me to wait, then I pray that I should wait and learn and gain from this period what He wills. All I gotta say is, how exciting. I feel very much alive, even though, it's scary. I know, I sound like a crazy person.
It's being filled with hope and excitement and fear for the future, but remembering the moments of the past - feeling both sadness and joy in the present.
For the seekers out there, for the uncertain:
Nichole Nordeman - What If
From the album Brave What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it’s true?
What if he takes his palace in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?
But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?
What if you dig, What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions inside
That’s all you find
What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Then folklore that must be told and retold
You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you’re wrong?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?
What If - Nicole Nordeman | | |
| Nostalgia.What a change it's been being back in LA - it feels familiar but totally different too. I'm such a different person from the person I was when I first left. And in some ways, I still feel like the same person..which is, I think, a good thing too. A question often lingers in my mind regarding this - when do you think your core persona is formed and settled? I wonder if there is a certain time in our lifetimes where the core part of who we are is pretty much rock solid. You buffer the winds and waves but essentially you are the person you are, and it's hard to change. Except, do you guys think that traumatic events can change your core persona? I'm not sure.. I think traumatic events may cause a term of depression or erratic behavior, but I'm not sure if personality completely shifts in the long run. Anyhoo, those were just some random thoughts floating around.
So, LA. :) It's nice to be back. Although a part of me is certainly still dealing with SF community separation and getting used to not having the people around me that I usually do, it's been a good time..and heck, it's only been a week! I think things will become more clear as time passes and loose ends with career and family get tied up. I just realize there is so much stuff going on down here too, and it's a really good time to be back because I just needed to be here for these events/occurrences. I will be praying for God to reveal to me more and more what He wants me to do here, and it may just be that what He wants is nothing more than to stretch the love I have for my parents and strengthen my endurance as I'm out of my comfort zone (which is probably wherever my parents don't happen to be!). Now that I'm back in the line of fire, He's perhaps able to use me in more mysterious ways than ever before, no matter how crazy painful it gets. There's no hiding or avoidance, there's just confrontation and daily life with the loved ones in your life who are often hard to love. What a decision, but it is one that will challenge and grow me. I will be asking for prayer daily to show and be an example of this love, and also for God to reveal to me the different things He'd like me to do and explore in this vast city..and home of mine. Kind of overwhelming..don't know where to start!
Some of the things I intended on thinking about or exploring more when I got down to LA:
-Being more involved with Ascend's LA Chapter, the professional organization that I was involved with briefly in SF
-Get involved (I'll start by joining a small group.. just joining) with the community at Evergreen, it'll take some time
-Support Asian American artists, performers, etc and promote AA's within media and entertainment.. in a way without being exclusively race-centric. I know it sounds like a contradiction but I honestly want to promote ALL artists, performers, etc.. I just don't see that AAs get a lot of positive representation when I wish that we did. Anyhow, if anyone knows of ways that I could get involved, I'm definitely open to ideas!
I'm going to see if it be God's will that I do any of this.. but I'm excited. I'm evaluating my involvement with things critically though because I just want to make sure I don't over commit, and that the things I commit to are the things I feel strongly about. Right now, I'm just straight chillin'. I've been a bit lazy, because I've definitely been craving the quality time I've been having with myself since the last few weeks in SF were just crazy (but wonderful!). Haha. Re-energizing..
Let's hang out if you're in LA - and come visit if you're in the bay area! :)
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