ambidreamz's Xanga

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 05:48:52 GMT

Man, I never get to update anymore these days lol!

Well, new updates - I turned 25 about a week and a half ago. That was fun. It felt a bit anti-climatic given it was the quarter century, but I think it's because I kinda felt 25 a long time ago. My bones are creaking.

A lot of changes are happening in life and I think it's good overall! God is good. All the time. He is really giving me some great opportunities and so much joy. He is also sustaining me more than ever, because it's a difficult time to be strong up against a lot of things that tend to stand in our way.. or oppose us when we are trying to head down the path that He has laid out. I dunno, it's very exciting...and scary at the same time. But He hath not given us a spirit of fear.. but of power, love, and self-control. (2 Timothy 1:7)

I'm so incredibly thankful for the support from friends. At this time, I really need people who are going to look at me, like seriously, and just KNOW that I can do it. That there is no shred of doubt in their mind. That is the kind of support that is necessary, because no matter what happens, I'll still be a winner in their eyes. It just warms my heart. I really did not know there were people out there like that..and I am so thankful for friends like these. Because I put my all into whatever I am doing (that I have passion for) and I don't need any unsure people to have my back.. LOL!

I continue to pray that He will open more doors and close the ones He doesn't want me to go through. I also pray for my mom and just..everything for her! God knows.

Woohoo... amen!

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 04:08:13 GMT

Hallelujah. May His name be praised.

Living thoughts.

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 23:05:49 GMT

I like to think of God as the master chess player. The movements of life are the chess pieces and He does one thing, that leads to the next move, and to the next. It's always funny how things happen and why they do. I don't have the best reasons for why things happen nor if I did, would I even know if they were true. That is why I just attribute everything to God. Everything happens for a reason...

Like I thought that it was strange that prior to moving home to LA, I had so many companies down in LA that were contacting me and wanting to interview me - I was in second or third rounds with a few already and it prompted me to move back even more. Then once I got back to LA, all of those companies happened to stop hiring or stop getting back to me entirely and then I jumped straight into another field, another world entirely..and I was happy and refreshed and everything was new. I thought that was strange..and I attributed it to the fact that God knew there had to be things pulling me back to LA first, and once I was there, I knew this wasn't what I wanted to do at all. ..

But that's a strange push and pull in and of itself - the push and pull against working for The Man. Gosh, how that term's been thrown around. I've known it and thought about it since I was a freshman at Cal. Even then I knew I was always more creative than logical, far more about art than numbers. But I must have been raised a great Asian kid because I went the route of numbers.. of dollar signs. The push and pull is still there and a struggle it will be always be, and something that only God can help me overcome. I'm jealous of people who knew when that when they grow up, they wanted to be a stock broker, or a doctor. If it's your passion, then even more reason that no one should judge you for it. The only part of finance that I ever loved was the service aspect, when I got to help people and interact with them, even though helping a millionaire choose stocks may not be anyone's idea of "service." But it lasted me for a while. I always knew though. I always knew. I could always tell by the thirst with which I attack museums, where I hungrily walk from one work of art to the other, trying to absorb the full force of artistic drive as if I wasn't going to see it ever again. It's the force with which I watch movies and even TV, the intensity with which I listen, with full attention, to music, the quiet passion of singing, the force with which I read books. I recently finished reading a book called "The History of Love" by Nicole Krauss. I was reading it and forgot about an appointment I was supposed to be at. I was reading it and my eyes were hurting from fatigue but I couldn't stop. I'm so happy to be able to finally have time to read again. In SF, I felt like I was always running around with my head cut off. Always busy and hurried. But reading is not something to be hurried. It's really amazing, the process of absorbing words. It's hard for me to put a book down. Sigh, I love liberal arts and history. Though, I find science fascinating too because I like knowing how things work. Wikipedia is my best friend. I think it's exhausting having so many interests because I always feel like there's never enough time in the world to learn. Always hungry, always yearning...

I hope that I can have the same force and hunger and use it in what I'm trying to do now. I hope and pray that God will let me. I know it's in me and I know all things are possible through Him who makes it so. I think only He can understand the desires inside each of us....

Understanding. That is an interesting concept. Some people just don't understand. Like that recruiter I met with yesterday. People like her claim to understand what people are looking for in a job, claim to be sweet and patient, but turn around and fool you with their lack of tact and heart. After I answered a few questions for her concerning my experience and what I felt my greatest strengths were, she told me that I needed to tone myself down.. that I needed to fix that part of my personality that was super "arrogant" and over confident. She told me I needed to learn some humility because employers like someone who is more humble and timid. Then she asked me why my GPA wasn't higher. Inside, I was already boiling and I told her that I worked hard for my GPA at Berkeley, especially considering I was involved in so many organizations as a leader. She told me that I needed to change the way that I talked. It was the shock of an unexpected slap and the tears that would spring up simply because of the shock of being completely blindsighted. That's how I felt and that's what essentially happened. I told her that I thought it was horrible that she was attacking my personality and she said that personality was 75% of the hiring process. I didn't need to say what I was thinking because I had nothing to prove. She had no right to make any judgment against me because she didn't know me at all. She did not know my story, my successes and setbacks. She did not know how hard I had worked in my career and how not one of my co workers or managers would ever say the things about me that she had just surmised from 10 minutes of meeting me. Was it my fault that I knew myself very well after all these years and knew my strengths and weaknesses..but that she hadn't asked to hear my weaknesses? Is it my fault I'm fully happy with the person I am and hopefully will become in the future? I didn't have to explain myself. I just sat there, looked at her through my tears, and hoped that she would never forget this day. It was a weird combination of feelings. I felt strong but I could feel my soft heart. I'm glad I have a soft heart though, a hard heart is not good at all. She was incredibly sorry. She felt so bad and she berated herself thinking, maybe it was different for this type of associate position since she normally recruited for admin and receptionist type jobs. I said, no wonder. I told her that it's tough to be a woman in finance, and that you have to be confident and self-assured, and that's the way it has to be, especially in interviews. It's clear that she never worked in finance, ever. But of course, that wasn't the worst part of what she did or what she had assumed, of what she had already done. She told me that this had actually happened in her office before, maybe once or twice, that her words had made others feel this way. I didn't have any more words. She told me she would still submit me. As I left, I hoped she realized that she would never go far if she continued trying to "improve" people upon first meeting them and I hoped that she would never forget those she has hurt. I hope and pray that she will learn from it and that she felt remorse. One of my biggest pains is being misunderstood..

I do not try to misunderstand people. The people I love and care about, I want to know their whole story, the intricacies of their character, their deepest hurts and greatest joys. I am not one to tread lightly on conversation but I'll do it if I have to. Something's always simmering beneath the surface though, of each of us, and I love it when it comes out. But I admit that I do not want to know everyone's story. I love everyone but I don't like everyone. Not sure if that makes sense. I think most people know this. I'm sorry if you are one of those people that I am not particularly warm to or do not feel the desire to get to know. It's not meant to be personal.. it's very black and white to me. I am a quality time person and there is not enough time in the world to spend with my loved ones and kindred spirits. Not to mention, time to help the world, to get involved in charity work, as well as artistic and creative work. Immediately upon meeting someone and chatting for a short conversation or at most a couple of meetings, I can gage whether I connect with him or her on some level. And usually, it's mutual :) Their character shines through their actions as well, which I observe. I think everyone's story is valuable though, just like every single being is precious to God, but unfortunately, I will not be able to hear each story. All I know is that I appreciate it even if I haven't heard it. At least each person knows that God will listen to their story. For those I am focused on and love, and my time is for them. My hope is just that no matter what down the line, they won't forget me.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 07:24:44 GMT

Sorry, sorry for the lack of updates people! A lot has been going on, and yet it's interesting.. it's not as if I'm at a lack for time, but somehow things are still busy and hectic as ever. But in a more.. interesting and freeing way. Glad to be where I am. Still praisin' the Lord for the good (and the challenges too, ack) He brings to life. More updates coming soon!

Monday, June 08, 2009

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 06:59:56 GMT

I'm looking for light in the midst of a lot of darkness. Tired. An ounce of hope.

Past, Present, Future

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 18:46:19 GMT

Currently, like right now, I'm experiencing some interesting emotions. It's like a flurry of past and future melding together. It's like I'm getting reminded of moments and memories from the past, causing me to feel wistful and melancholy for past days, but also I feel the excitement, the culmination of visions and prophecies, of dreams for the future, which is causing a swelling in my heart that is rather overwhelming. The emotional effect is kind of crazy. I'm not sure what to make of this feeling.

I received an e-mail from an old co-worker today and not sure what it was, but he repeated a phrase in it that he used to always say when we were working together on our awesome team. Haha, it's a simple phrase, but the effect on me had me both laugh and cry. I hearkened back to perhaps a simpler time, when I was in a different place, a different job, with these hilarious people around me. When God had me in a position that although I often hated, it was a job nonetheless and I enjoyed the relationships that I had built and fostered. Then He took me out of it rather abruptly. I read more e-mails and I remember the faces of loves ones, even though friendships may never be the same, and I wish back to certain moments that I shared with each of them and wished those moments would never end. Sometimes I wish I could freeze time like Hiro on Heroes, haha just relishing in that moment. I miss and wish for those moments with friends again, even though I know we will again in the future, we move on from the past, but I never forget the good times..those that are no longer with me, but not lost.

At the same time while reading my other e-mails, I feel excited and drawn to new opportunities, and a lot of things that could change as I continue my life down here in Los Angeles. All I gotta say is what a beautiful city. A city of dreams, so bright. So much opportunity. I understand why people come here to achieve what they had hoped for, it is a place of many spotlights. There's darkness too, but I feel God's presence so incredibly strong here. It fills the room, the atmosphere, it sometimes is subtle but reveals itself in the most interesting of moments. The Holy Spirit speaks to you of His love for you, His will for you, His desires for you, and ultimately so much of His hope for you. What light there is, driving out the darkness at the toughest moments. I pray that His light is shining in the hearts of so many whose hearts are filled with pain and frustration because.. He's just there if you reach out, He never left. I don't know what is come, because I admit that I am fearful because I can feel God's heart swelling up for His will to be done. I ask that He show me so very clearly. That although I feel like I'm in a waiting period, that if it's His will for me to wait, then I pray that I should wait and learn and gain from this period what He wills. All I gotta say is, how exciting. I feel very much alive, even though, it's scary. I know, I sound like a crazy person.

It's being filled with hope and excitement and fear for the future, but remembering the moments of the past - feeling both sadness and joy in the present.

For the seekers out there, for the uncertain:

Nichole Nordeman - What If
From the album Brave

What if you’re right?
And he was just another nice guy
What if you’re right?
What if it’s true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it’s true?

What if he takes his palace in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you’re wrong?
What if there’s more?
What if there’s hope you never dreamed of hoping for?
What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

What if you dig, What if you dig
Way down deeper than your simple-minded friends
What if you dig?
What if you find
A thousand more unanswered questions inside
That’s all you find

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more
Then folklore that must be told and retold

You’ve been running as fast as you can
You’ve been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you’re wrong?

What if you jump?
And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by surprise?
What if He’s more than enough?
What if it’s love?

What If - Nicole Nordeman

Kris Allen - God of this City

Sat, 23 May 2009 00:12:23 GMT

Our new American Idol.. :)

Nostalgia.

Sun, 10 May 2009 06:53:24 GMT

What a change it's been being back in LA - it feels familiar but totally different too. I'm such a different person from the person I was when I first left. And in some ways, I still feel like the same person..which is, I think, a good thing too. A question often lingers in my mind regarding this - when do you think your core persona is formed and settled? I wonder if there is a certain time in our lifetimes where the core part of who we are is pretty much rock solid. You buffer the winds and waves but essentially you are the person you are, and it's hard to change. Except, do you guys think that traumatic events can change your core persona? I'm not sure.. I think traumatic events may cause a term of depression or erratic behavior, but I'm not sure if personality completely shifts in the long run. Anyhoo, those were just some random thoughts floating around.

So, LA. :) It's nice to be back. Although a part of me is certainly still dealing with SF community separation and getting used to not having the people around me that I usually do, it's been a good time..and heck, it's only been a week! I think things will become more clear as time passes and loose ends with career and family get tied up. I just realize there is so much stuff going on down here too, and it's a really good time to be back because I just needed to be here for these events/occurrences. I will be praying for God to reveal to me more and more what He wants me to do here, and it may just be that what He wants is nothing more than to stretch the love I have for my parents and strengthen my endurance as I'm out of my comfort zone (which is probably wherever my parents don't happen to be!). Now that I'm back in the line of fire, He's perhaps able to use me in more mysterious ways than ever before, no matter how crazy painful it gets. There's no hiding or avoidance, there's just confrontation and daily life with the loved ones in your life who are often hard to love. What a decision, but it is one that will challenge and grow me. I will be asking for prayer daily to show and be an example of this love, and also for God to reveal to me the different things He'd like me to do and explore in this vast city..and home of mine. Kind of overwhelming..don't know where to start!

Some of the things I intended on thinking about or exploring more when I got down to LA:

-Being more involved with Ascend's LA Chapter, the professional organization that I was involved with briefly in SF
-Get involved (I'll start by joining a small group.. just joining) with the community at Evergreen, it'll take some time
-Support Asian American artists, performers, etc and promote AA's within media and entertainment.. in a way without being exclusively race-centric. I know it sounds like a contradiction but I honestly want to promote ALL artists, performers, etc.. I just don't see that AAs get a lot of positive representation when I wish that we did. Anyhow, if anyone knows of ways that I could get involved, I'm definitely open to ideas!

I'm going to see if it be God's will that I do any of this.. but I'm excited. I'm evaluating my involvement with things critically though because I just want to make sure I don't over commit, and that the things I commit to are the things I feel strongly about. Right now, I'm just straight chillin'. I've been a bit lazy, because I've definitely been craving the quality time I've been having with myself since the last few weeks in SF were just crazy (but wonderful!). Haha. Re-energizing..

Let's hang out if you're in LA - and come visit if you're in the bay area! :)

Monday, April 27, 2009

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 07:59:46 GMT

Blessed, fo sho. :)

Revelations on Friendship

Mon, 30 Mar 2009 19:02:28 GMT

As I prepare to leave the bay area, I've definitely been having some revelations on friendship. Throughout the past couple of weeks, even months, I can already begin to distinguish the kinds of friendship that are true between those based on proximity, convenience, or simply superficiality.

It kind of irks or hurts me because you may have thought that you had a great connection with someone once, but times have changed, inevitably since then. No big fights or blowouts though (definitely not my style), rather the likeness of a wave slowly leaving tracks on the sand, fading away from the beach. It just passes away.

I think each of us has a choice. You either call or you don't. You either get in touch with someone, or catch up with them.. or you don't. If it's the latter, your friends are obviously not in your heart or in your general mindset at all. That's okay.. I don't think it's my desire to be friends with people who consistently hold a selfish frame of mind. It's simply exhausting to be friends with those individuals. Pretty sad. I hope they value their friendships before it's too late. And if those friendships end, well, it was their fault to begin with. Like many have said, it's a two way street. Unless you are going through emotional ruin or a tragedy, yes you have arms and legs, a voice - so you can reach out too. I think I'm pretty good at reaching out, but no one knows how keenly I observe if those same people are genuinely responding and making time for me when I do. I guess I'm saying - that I would not take ANY friend reaching out to me for granted, and that I hope you wouldn't take me for granted either :). Especially if I may not be in your general vicinity very soon.

Especially as I am leaving, I sincerely appreciate people who reach out, people who msg or e-mail me right away as they know there's not much wiggle room in one more month of residing in the bay area. I appreciate them looking ahead and planning because when it comes down to the two week mark, I don't much tolerate people who decide I'm last minute in their book because they had other priorities.

At times, it's interesting to see the people that you least expect to come through for you, to value the time they spend with you so much, and to be able to share their lives with you. Perhaps you didn't know them for as long as other friends, but their character and the value that they put on friendships is so drastically higher, it seems to blow others out of the water when it comes down to the wire. It really forces you to re-think your friendships, when you have no real indication of how much other people care. I'm not telepathic - I simply gauge in real time by how much I see somone value the relationship that we have together.

Thank goodness for real friendships! I suppose we all set different standards. I'm just simply not willing to compromise because it's worth the return :)